Forward: These are a few diary entries that I wrote on the road on my work lap top that I kept forgetting to post up to the web. Enjoy them for what they are worth. - Tim

    I’m on a plane headed toward Oakland for work. This is the first of 4 trips that I’m taking this next month. If you include this past weekend, this is actually the 2nd.
    This past weekend we memorialized my mother’s father in Southern Pines, NC. Meanwhile, in Cincinnati, Ohio, my father was eulogizing his brother Bill, dead at age 53. My grandfather was 85 when he passed away earlier this month. One died in relative comfort and one did not. Both were estranged from their families, but for vastly different reasons.
My Grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about 11 years ago. He refused to eat some time ago and eventually his body wasted into nothing, just like his brain had. He passed away in a home on February 16th. I didn’t know him very well. None of the grandchildren did. There are 4 of us, ranging from 19 to 38 and none us knew him. Oh, we have memories of him, but sadly very few. I only saw him a couple of times over the last 10 or so years. I visited him for about a half hour about 8 years ago and he didn’t know us at all. I thought that I might visit again when I was married, but the desire to visit wasn’t very strong. I know this may make me look awful, and maybe I am for not visiting. But like most people, I have my reasons for both the good that I do as well as the ill. I don’t have any regrets about not visiting him, as I view it most practically. He did not know me and I did not know him. I couldn’t even pretend that we had much of a relationship in which to draw upon. I, like his children wanted things from him that he never delivered; at least not adequately enough to quiet the doubts that each child had.
    He was a man of his era, strong, proud, resolute and very hard. He demanded much of himself and demanded a lot from his children. His eldest rose to the top of her profession in the arts, working on stage and film for Jim Henson and the Muppets. His only son created his own company and kept it afloat for many years. His other daughter, my mother, was very successful as well, but her success was at home as a wife and mother. Yet, each lost him without receiving the praise or recognition that every child longs to hear, even 60 year old children. He might’ve given it if he had the ability, but he lost the ability to do so before he desired to do so. I don’t think he was a bad man for how he ran his household. He was who he was a lot more than I can describe. I only had a few interactions with the man, and yet every time, I had wished that I too could have had his approval. It’s amazing how he demanded respect and commanded it as well. I don’t know if they make men like him anymore. What he was good at, he was great at, what he was bad at, was clearly unnecessary. He was a great golfer and loved to play. I wish that I could have come of age and spent 36 holes with him. We all wished that we could have played 9 more holes with him, but he was dieing at 74, and dimming before our eyes.
    My Uncle died behind a convenience store near the University of Cincinnati of natural causes. Natural Causes exacerbated by the freezing cold and months of living on the streets. He was always the Black Sheep of the Family, the only one we never saw and the one with a lifetime of problems. His problem was alcohol. He didn’t appear to be a violent man, but a man so possessed of his addiction that he lost his wife and two kids to it. Before the end, he had lost the help of his family and in the end he lost his life at the very young age of 53. I believe that the whole family is relieved and saddened. In the years before his death, he had turned to other drugs and had begun to steal from his own father who had housed him in an effort to help him get on his feet. For the first 23 years of my life, I saw him only once. He drove through Virginia on his way to somewhere and we met his family. I never saw them again. When I finally saw him again at my cousin’s wedding he had already lost everything and was living and working in Cincinnati. He didn’t talk much, and I never could get much of a read on him. My view of him was that he had little hope, few prospects for the future and a habit that he would not let go of. I had nothing in which to share with him and on subsequent family outings I stopped trying to connect with him.
So on February 25th, our family celebrated two birthdays and attended two funerals. And interestingly enough, we buried the two men who were most distant from the family. There estrangements were caused by a mixture of their choices and their diseases. R.I.P. Grandpa. R.I.P. Uncle Bill. I’m sorry that your diseases made it harder to know you and by knowing you, to love you.

 

   
    I’m headed to Beaumont, TX by way of Chicago and Houston. Right now, I’m headed toward Houston. From there I hop in my rental car and drive the 2 hours to Beaumont. It will be my first visit to Beaumont, and I honestly don’t expect much, however it is a new place and for that I’m kind of grateful. The last time I came to Houston was in October of 2003. I came out to visit K to see what all the talk was about. Do you remember her? She was the one that I met under fascinating and seemingly kismet circumstances. The whole thing fell apart, but it probably did make it easier to be sure about Tara when I met her. After all, the trip to Richmond, TX wasn’t bad, but it also wasn’t great like meeting your future wife should be. Of course, I learned the difference later, but at the time I didn’t see it clearly. We never really do, do we? Fortunately, I married the only one who ever felt right from the beginning and I’m still extremely happy with my choice. In fact, I’m even more happy than I was in the beginning, albeit not as on fire. For example, I can now think when I’m in her presence. Oh, I’m still very attracted to her and we’re still acting like newlyweds, but there is a certain comfort in knowing that neither of us are going anywhere soon.
I’m sorry for neglecting my diary in this way. I kind of knew it was going to happen. I lost one of the hidden reasons for writing a diary… to impress girls! Oh, I wasn’t always aware that my diary did that, and it wasn’t always my intention, but now that I get to communicate with the one I love daily, I don’t need to preserve my thoughts for her anymore. In many ways, I’ve been writing a long love letter to Tara in my diary. I just didn’t know who she was yet. So now my diary really only has one purpose; to keep friends and family informed about what’s going on in my life and to document it through pictures and story. The thing is, she’s doing that for me. She keeps an on-line journal and I love to read it. It pretty much captures all that is happening in our lives albeit from her perspective. I’ll link to it when I finally publish this one.
    There is another reason why my diary has been so delinquent; I’ve been on the road… a lot. Starting in January, I’ve been to Binghamton, Orlando, Modesto, Petaluma, Atlanta, Orlando again, Albuquerque, Dallas, South Jersey, and now this week I’m headed to Beaumont and Austin. This year looks like it will be a big travel year. Two years ago, I traveled a lot and saw a lot, it was great because I was single and wanted to get out of the house. But now, I’d rather be with the wife. She did have a chance to go with me down to Atlanta, but most of the other trips were on my own. She’s quitting Starbucks soon and her semester is ending, so hopefully she will be able to join me more in the future.
    Do you realize that we’ve been married for over 9 months? Time flies when you’re having fun and we’re already preparing for our 1st anniversary. Gotta go, I have to shut it down. We’re landing.
 

    I’m now on the other end of my trip. I’m sitting in the Austin airport awaiting my flight. My eyes are heavy and I think that I’ll wait 10 minutes before getting up to see what vendors have opened doors to serve coffee. I have a 6:51 AM flight and I woke up around 4:15 AM to make sure that I made it. I didn’t sleep very well, though I seldom do when I’m on the road. Sometimes sheer exhaustion does me a favor and puts me in bed at the proper time, but unfortunately I passed my 1st sleep window and stayed up. Stupid me.
    Austin is a nice mid-size city. It’s large enough to offer personality, but not large enough to cause panic when you get turned around. In many ways Austin is out of place in Texas. It’s a more artsy town that might be more at home in the Northeast. A common slogan I read was “Keep Austin Weird.” I ‘m not exactly sure how they made it weird in the first place, but I’m sure it’s a good story. The University of Texas is here; the land of Vince Young, for those following the NFL draft. I’ve been enjoying all the talk about who is going to be picked by whom on Saturday, although for the Redskins it doesn’t matter too much. They traded away most of their picks, so they won’t figure prominently on the first day.
    In a few short hours I’ll get to be back home with Tara with the weekend looming. That’s comforting. I’d hate to have to go back to work after being gone all week. *YAWN* I’m going to go search for some coffee now.