July 8, 2001

        Oh my, Ebay has a new slave. I actually signed up with Ebay in 1999, but aside from one bid on an item, I haven't been back. So what brings me back? Testimonial: "I was tired of paying retail prices." Honestly, some items that I order from different vendors are a bit overpriced. So I figured I would look on Ebay to see if I could beat the price for a few items that I can buy on-line elsewhere. I currently have 4 bids up, but chances are they won't win. Somewhere along the line, I got the impression that not all that glitters is gold. And all of my bids are probably too low. In 6 hours, 37 minutes, the first item I bid for will have been sold. Will it be to me? Time will tell. The important thing is that I'm looking for a bargain, despite the fact that I don't need anything that I'm buying on Ebay.

    Whoah, it has been a pretty busy time these past 10 - 12 days. Two weeks ago, we had wrestling camp and so after work I went over to George Mason University for several hours of practice, and matches for the guys. To start with, I was of-course sore. It comes with the territory. The guys put in their bid for me to be head coach for next year. It really is a huge commitment, and I would only do it, if the coach that they hire knows less about wrestling than I do. I don't think that I'm ready to be a head coach, but I've seen worse. All in all, it's a question that will be answered later. I also got some sort of cold, that I think I'm still battling. My brother also got it. We think it was the dorms. They were not the paragon of Hygiene. Every time that I heard any of the wrestlers complain about the conditions they were living in, I told them that this was what they had in store for them if they wanted to join a Fraternity. I told them it was the result of frat boys trying to take care of themselves. So, it was an exhausting week and I ended up sick on top of it. 

    Saturday rolled around and my brother's family was gone for the weekend. I was able to recover some sleep on Friday night, but had to get ready for my 10 year high school reunion. I told you earlier about the strangeness of it all and that I was a bit tentative about it. So, let me start with the compliments, and then I'll go to my observations, then I'll put down some of my complaints.

    Compliments / good things about the reunion: Every one was much more an adult than I imagined they would be.  Everyone who showed up looked pretty good. Few looked worse than they did, most looked better. No individual person made a complete fool of themselves, by getting too wasted. I was completely delighted by those who had married someone in our school. To a certain degree, they were the Kings and Queens of the Prom. They also looked happy to be on a journey with an old friend that they could trust. It was heartening in many ways to see that side of things. I was also able to see a few old friends that I wanted to see. There were two in particular that were on my short list for people that were once important to me.

    Observations: More people than I would have imagined are now in the military, to their credit they are all officers. These guys were best friends in school and found different paths into the military, they are still really nice stand up guys and most are now married. There were more flight attendants in the crowd than I would have guessed there would have been. I guess it's easier to attend a reunion when you can fly where you want to. I would say that more people came from out of town than came from in town. In the back of the "Memory book" there were a list of addresses of people who they found, but weren't attending. A very large portion of those people, live in the area. For whatever reason they didn't show up. I thought that more people in my class would be involved in computer technology, but very few in the group that I spoke to are working actively with computers. 

    Complaints / disappointments: Perhaps only a quarter of our class showed up. There were several people that I would have liked to see that were not there. At the time, I didn't feel like I was really connecting with anyone. Even with those that I wanted to see. The fact is, if you didn't have the connection then, you won't have it now. I left school and detached myself from that scene, so really it shouldn't be a surprise that I wouldn't really connect and get nostalgic about it. The fact is we all forgot a great deal about high school. The memory book that they gave us, was terrible. I could have done a better job on this computer. Perhaps, I should start my own reunion company, I believe I could do it better.

    Hmm, I thought had more observations and complaints, but a week has passed and any passion for argument has abated. The problem I had with the whole thing was that I could have easily missed it and not been any worse off for it. The upside is that at least one old friend has contacted me and maybe we'll hang out in the future. So, in that context, it wasn't a complete waste of time.

    I ended up going out after the reunion and I didn't return home until 4 am or so, so on Sunday I had a complete body hangover from lack of sleep, nerves, and the 3 or 4 drinks I had over the course of the evening. Suffice to say, I've been dragging all week. Wednesday was the 4th of July and it rained heavily most of the evening. We had a nice barbeque, but didn't go and see fireworks. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't really miss it. I'm looking forward to being a part of a niche of friends again, so that I can enjoy things with a group of folks my own age. We'll see how that goes.

    On Thursday, I saw Depeche Mode play at Merriweather Post Pavilion. I had never been there before, but had been to places like it. A friend of mine was getting a group of people together to see them in concert. It's her favorite band, and she was pleased to be able to bring a group with her. For her it was like my U2 experience in Albany. It was a really good show and I enjoyed myself despite one thing. She had told me to get a ticket because she thought we had lawn seats. So, I bought my lawn ticket and they all had reserve seating. We tried to sneak me in once, but one of the security folks saw the ticket exchange and told me to back off. So, I saw the show alone - wahhhh :- ( Fortunately, I didn't mind. I struck up a conversation with the couple standing next to me and I wasn't completely alone. I could see perfectly and without being responsible for anyone, I had the freedom to go where I wanted. The band even played my favorite song from the new album. So I was more than content. I think that since I had gone to the U2 concert alone, I was much more at ease with myself at the show. Plus, for some reason, I was in a good mood and the company that I was with was pretty pleasant. There is a certain fear of not belonging whenever you get into a situation, which didn't exist for me on this outing. I guess I'm just becoming more mature. One can hope.

    This little head cold I have is getting on my nerves. I don't have nearly the amount of energy that I should have and I have been cooped up in the house this weekend. I'm trying to get the proper sleep, but still my drive is diminished. I worked on the site yesterday, adding some stuff here and there, if you are at all familiar with the U2 tour, you'll see what I'm talking about. I'm also considering whether or not I should remove all of the other bands from my site. Primarily because I don't think that I'll be updating them as frequently as I am the U2 portion. I think that I'll think about it more before doing anything. Maybe I'll take them out one at a time, as I restructure my site. We'll see. I don't think that I'll do anything until after I move. Well, I need to get some lunch, and perhaps I'll take an Advil, to clear up my head. 

July 24, 2001

    This day has worn me out. It actually started last night when I used poor judgment by staying up after midnight. Fortunately, I was able to get out of bed at a reasonable time, and head off to work. For the first time in ages, my car let me down, not in your traditional sense, my tire went kablooie. So, I had to drive for a couple hundred yards until I could reach a semi-safe place to inspect the damage, and pray that I had a working spare. This just goes to show you how utterly irresponsible I am about my car. I had no idea if I had a working spare in the trunk, nor did I know if I had the proper tools. I was hoping though, and fortunately the previous owners were better car owners than myself. So, I'm stopped on the shoulder of an on-ramp of the freeway. I open the trunk and put all the stuff that I had in there in the back seat. I found the tire changing gear, which was now partially rusted. (no doubt, by a mysterious leak in the trunk, caused by my lack of care of the car) I fished out my Japanese donut, and my rusty tools and I got to work. I first had difficulty with the hubcap, the darn thing wouldn't come off. Once I managed to pry it off with one of my rusted tools, I started to work on the rusty lug nuts. I was almost too girlie-man to get them off. (Side note: Every time that I change a tire at the side of the road, I think of Bill Bixby in the Incredible Hulk. So, I tend to take it easy, because we all know, that's it's not easy being green.) Two of the lug nuts came off easier than the other two. I became concerned by the other two. Since I don't have a cell phone, I would have at the mercy of a stranger (preferably a big one) or a cop. Neither of which would arrive soon enough. Fortunately all panicky thoughts were soon dismissed as I was able to brute force my way to a spare tire. It's amazing how much satisfaction I derive in doing the simplest labor. I don't own this home, some I'm not all that inclined to do that sort of work. My brother never asks me to help out, he's got people helping him learn all sort of things. We didn't learn much handy work from our father. But last week, my brother gave me the chainsaw and I did my work on a rotting railroad tie. It wasn't really fair, since it wasn't at full strength, and I was. Then he gave me the post-hole digger for the real-estate sign. They have spent a lot of time working on the home, because they are looking to sell it. They have at least one party interested in it at the price they want to sell it at.

    I have started my own search for property. I've secured a real estate agent. Finally, after all these years, I have an agent. Oh yeah, by the way, we're meeting tomorrow. Yep, my agent and  I are going out for lunch to discuss real estate. I have arrived. I'll take my tongue out of my cheek for a moment, and let you know what I'm really going through. I feel poor. I'm not, but I feel like it. I look around the area and there are some amazing homes, and some not so amazing homes, with amazing prices. I almost feel like a pauper. I shouldn't, but it's hard not to compare yourself to those around you. I don't really know anyone my age around here (except one notable exception) so I have no idea how I'm doing in this market. In any case, I'll soon find out what  I can afford exactly, and I hope that I'm not disappointed. I'm afraid I have set myself up for a fall, because I would like to have a happening pad. My realtor cautioned against buying a condo, because they don't have much of a re-sale value in the short term. I'm looking at a 5 year time-line, in which I can at least break even and get the money that I have invested back. I'm hoping that I'll meet Miss Right and I'll have my palace, we'll of course sell it and buy a bigger one, even though we won't need it. It's the American way. I can't wait to be a DINK. If you don't know what that means, look it up. Or better yet, ask me.

    I'm looking forward to being inspired, I have lacked inspiration for much of the time I have lived here. Work is ok, but it hasn't been as fulfilling as I would like it to be. Some days are better than others. The truth is that I have much more control over how I run my life, than I would like to admit. When I'm going through good times, I can motivate myself much more, it's harder when I feel as though I'm biding my time. I've been biding much too long. I want to get back to the business of living. Hmm, something just occurred to me. Does anyone go through this stuff? Nobody talks about it,  or at least not very often, or at least not very often to me. Then again, I'm not really talking to many people these days. Too busy, too far, too out of mind. But, I've got E-bay!

    I love E-bay, although I almost quit E-bay before I started. On the very first item that I bid on, I was kicked off the auction. I was sent an automatic e-mail stating that I was a fraud, a liar, and that I was bidding falsely. Boy, was I pissed. I was thinking, "This is mob rule, this is not the marketplace you're looking for." So, I shot an e-mail to the guy, basically stating in no uncertain terms, that I did not appreciate my name getting tarnished like that. It turns out that he was very apologetic about the incident. I think it was my e-mail address that threw him off. It's junkmail@faulguy.com. I created it, so that if I get too much spam from places that I sign into, I can remove it. E-bay is as good a place as any to use it. If I need to get rid of the account I can and then I'll replace it with something else. Oh yeah, I won that auction, but I haven't received the merchandise yet. It should be any day now. I'm getting some good reviews on E-bay, because I'm lightning fast with my payments. I've already won 10 items. The cool thing is that most of the items are costing me half as much as they would if I bought them on-line at other stores. I've already saved over $150 off the retail value of these items. The only possible catch is quality. If the items I receive are in poor shape, then I may have paid too much. We shall see. Now that the originally thrill has subsided some, I will be scaling back on my frequency of bidding. I'm doing more watching now and only pouncing on items that I know are a good buy at that price. I know, I'm supposed to be saving for a home. I also know, that I'm not blowing my money on a social-life :-) So, here's where it goes today. And they said that the internet is evil and divisive. It makes people interact even less with other people. What do they know?

    I never did finish my story about my day, but I'm tired of writing, and I'm becoming punchy and my judgment is flawed therefore my mouth runneth over.  Goodnight.

July 31, 2001

   I've lost it. I've lost it completely. I just spent about 10 seconds yelling at my cat because she kept meowing at me. There are mitigating circumstances behind this. I will explain. I don't really have much of a temper. It's rare that I loose my cool, but those dogs... My brother is out for the evening, and the dogs were in their cage, whimpering. So, like a good uncle I let them out the back, let them lick my face and then went inside. About an hour later they were scratching at the back door, presumably wanting love. I had cut off their only exit from the room, by sliding a plastic curtain (which is one of those folding types that you install in the doorway.) It's meant primarily for privacy and sound baffling. Well, as soon as I opened the door the first dog took off and dove under it (there is about 4 - 5 inches between the curtain and the floor), the second dog quickly followed, ripping all but one hinge off of the curtain in the process, I dove for the trailing dog and could only grab a bit of hind quarters, which doesn't really get me much. I was so angry at those two, I ran upstairs, grabbed both of them and put them in their cages. I don't know how much those things cost, but it's coming out of my pocket. It's not the money, except that it is the money. I hate to blow money on things that I could have avoided. I hate wasting money on things that I fundamentally get nothing from. At least if I bought lunch for someone, I get the satisfaction of giving something. Now I get to give a gift to Walmart or Home Depot. Joy. And I really feel like a heel because my cat just wanted some food. Thankfully, she forgave my ravings, and climbed into my lap after she had a few bites to eat. And this was by all accounts a pretty uplifting day.

    Shhh, don't tell anyone... it's actually August 1, but since I didn't finish my diary entry from last night, I figured that I would resume today. Just pretend like it's July 31 ;-) So, today (Tuesday, July 31) was good. I had a meeting with a lender, I was able to qualify for a 3% down, no PMI loan. Since I handle my debt so well, they could have approved me at 4 times my annual salary, which, by the way is insane. No way I can live like that. We decided to come down to a more reasonable level, which is still a bit more than I think I'd like to pay. Besides, it will a stretch for me to come up with the 3% down plus closing costs. The next step will be signing my buyer agency agreement with "my" realtor. From there we'll start scouting for homes. The current interest rate is 7 1/4% I'm hoping that they will go down a little bit prior to buying. They shouldn't be going up, but who's to say?

    The rest of the day was spent back at work, which was a let down after the exhilaration of talking high finance with "my" lender. I was antsy all day at work, because I was going to get my haircut after work and I didn't want to be late. In actuality I got there almost a half hour early. This Salon is so in demand, that I had to make an appointment. This is a far cry from the Hair Cuttery.

    Excuse me for a second, I need to tell you a story about the Hair Cuttery and the effect it has had on me. I knew that I wanted to tell you this story earlier, but I might have spaced right over it and not told it to you. So, if you've heard this one before, then I apologize. Anyway, the last haircut I got was at the Hair Cuttery. I had been struggling to find a place where I felt comfortable, and I had tried several different places, but none were cutting it with me. (ha ha, *groan*) At least the Hair Cuttery was around the corner. As you may remember, I did write about the best part of a haircut which is when they wash her hair. Well, on this last visit, I had a forty something latina cutting my hair, which is fine, I don't normally have bias' in that regard. I described what I wanted, she shaved the sides and back as usual and then we went to the back where the hair washing begins. Now, you know by now how much I like it when I get my hair washed by someone else. It's close to the most sensual thing that happens to me these days. So, I lean back, I close my eyes, and when I open them for a second, she's wearing gloves. Not just rubber "doctor" gloves. She's wearing "dish washing" gloves! So, instead of my dream of a bikini-clad native girl, all I can feel is hard scaly rubber. So, immediately my fantasy turns to horror as I imagine a large, bald biker dude with many tattoos, just waiting to do me harm. It was the worst $15 I ever spent. Now, I realize that this woman may have had some skin condition where she was allergic to the shampoo, but it was insulting nonetheless and therefore I'm not getting my haircut there again. 

    Ok, now back to my haircut that I had today (Tuesday, July 31). When I made my appointment I was asked whether I wanted this person, or that person, I had no real preference, but I certainly didn't want to make a judgment purely for aesthetic reasons. So, the person chose the prettier one, which was fine with me too. She's a tall thin blonde, who is fairly attractive, plus more importantly she was personable and had an opinion about what my hair should look like. I much prefer to get an opinion from a woman about my appearance. I may not heed it, but I'm better off knowing what they think. In any case, we went through the routine where she shaved the sides and the back. Then we walked toward the back where the sinks are. I was looking forward to it, but I was not disillusioned this time. I was prepared for something clinical and brisk, but pleasurable. I was pleasantly surprised. Not only did she wash my hair, but she took her time. While we were talking, she would just leisurely rub my hair around my temples, which I must say was great. It was by far the best hair washing I've ever had. For that alone I'll be coming back. She was also very complementary about my hair and how I styled it. Positive affirmation is good. That didn't stop her from giving it some flair and quite possibly making it easier to manage over the next couple of weeks. As she was finishing up I told her the story about the Hair Cuttery lady. She and I agreed that the best part of haircuts is the hair washing, which leads me to believe that she enjoys washing the hair as much as she does having hers washed. Well, probably not as much, but still she appeared to enjoy it. And God bless her for it. She's not my type, but she's "my" hairdresser from now on.

    Briefly. My brother arrived home and I told him about what I and the dogs had done, he was really cool about it and blamed the dogs. At that moment, it occurred to me that what I was most bothered by was that I had broke something of someone else's. Even though my brother was fine with it, I feel horrible when I break or lose something of someone else's. I never want to take advantage of anyone, and don't want to hurt anyone. The financials are incidental. I just don't want to lose trust. I don't want someone to believe that I'm untrustworthy. It's so much easier to disappoint me. These days, I'm quite good at forgiving me. It's frightening how relaxed I've become in that regard.

    I almost forgot something. I've been reading this book called American Pastoral by Philip Roth. He's a pretty insightful writer and I wanted to share a passage with you. It's a little lengthy, but it describes what I sometimes struggle with. Some say that I am observant, or that I'm able to see more things than others. I'd like to think so, but it's not always a gift  (Which is assuming that I'm any good at it at all.) In any case, there are many amusing and oft true observations in this passage. Hope you enjoy.

    You fight your superficiality, your shallowness, so as to try to come at people without unreal expectations, without an overload of bias or hope or arrogance, as untanklike as you can be, sans cannon and machine guns and steel platting half a foot thick; you come at them unmenacingly on your own ten toes instead of tearing up the turf with your caterpillar treads, take them on with an open mind, as equals, man to man, as we used to say, and yet you never fail to get them wrong. You might as well have the brain of a tank. You get them wrong before you meet them, while you're with them; and then you go home to tell somebody else about the meeting and you get them all wrong again. Since the same generally goes for them with you, the whole thing is really a dazzling illusion empty of all perception, an astonishing farce of misperception. And yet what are we to do about this terribly significant business of other people, which gets bled of the significance we think it has and takes on instead a significance that is ludicrous, so ill-equipped are we all to envision one another's interior workings and invisible aims? Is everyone to go off and lock the door and sit secluded like lonely writers do, in a soundproof cell, summoning people out of words and then proposing that these word people are closer to the real thing than the people that we mangle with our ignorance every day? The fact remains that getting people is not what living is all about anyway. It's getting them wrong that is living, getting them wrong and wrong and wrong and then, on careful reconsideration, getting them wrong again. That's how we know we're alive: we're wrong. Maybe the best thing would be to forget being right or wrong about people and just go along for the ride. But if you can do that -- well, lucky you.