Whew, what a week in a half. It's been kind of a ride, but I'm on my feet again. Last week was an angry week. It might have been an angry month, if it were entirely up to me. I didn't want to let go of my anger, because I felt that he would be the only way for me to achieve change in my own life. I have to thank some of my church friends who I meet with every other week, for not letting me wallow in my anger. The strange thing is that it's not that they did anything to reach out, moreover it was a realization that my interior anger wasn't something I could hide if anyone was to talk to me on a personal level.

    Long story short, it's about a girl. The anger though, is about a boy. The anger, although started with the girl, isn't really about the girl. The girl didn't really do anything to inspire anger, but unfortunately, the experience is all too familiar to the boy. To paraphrase one of those de-motivational posters: "The common denominator in all your failed relationships, is you." The boy could have played the victim, the martyr, but the boy has been there before, and as far as he knows, his praises weren't sung to other single women about how understanding the boy can be. The boy just got fed up with the friend tag. So, instead of convincing himself that the girl is the fool, he decided to take a better look at himself. The boy doesn't have an answer yet for why it hasn't worked out for him, but the boy knows a few things that he didn't know before. The boy discovered that he feared losing someone that he had invested in. Since it's hard for the boy to invest in someone in the first place, he's none to happy when it's not returned.

    The boy realized that the fear was changing who he was during a relationship. If the girl pulled back, or the boy was feeling insecure, he would try to cover the gap that existed between them. Incidentally, the boy didn't come up with all of this on his own, the girl helped pointed this out, at his request. So, even though it chafed the boy to hear it, the boy knows that it was said in the softest most encouraging way possible. When the boy asked for the advice, even he didn't know how he would react to it. The boy initially tried to be a good friend, but realized that there was no happy ending; he had been there before.  In actuality, he wasn't being a good friend at all. The boy realized that his fear was still there, and in all probability, he would lie to himself and deny that he was happy to be just friends. Now, perhaps if the boy were a man, he could just destroy those feelings, but the boy only knew how to cover them up just below the surface. The boy knew that loneliness would dampen the ground causing the seeds to grow, and one day, those feelings would return, with a greater frustration, and a righteousness undeserved. The boy would eventually feel as though he had earned something for his devotion, but it doesn't work that way. The boy knows this, even if he doesn't always comprehend it while it is happening to him.

    The boy also realized that the compromises that he made, or was prepared to make, did not endear him to the girl, but instead caused the chasm to widen. The boy also realized that he had been asleep for some time, hoping that the girl would awaken him to a new life, devoid of the loneliness that results from living in a new land. What the boy didn't realize, until right now, is that he wasn't whole enough to be a whole for the girl. Sure, the boy had a cool car, a house, a dog and a cat, but those things didn't prove that he was whole. The boy only thought it did. The boy will never be sure that his actions were the right ones. The boy only knows that you can't look back, and change things, God knows he's tried before, and it didn't work.

    Alright, back to first person. The facts of the matter remain that I care too much about what other people think about me. I'd make a great politician, if I had even an iota of thick skin. Which I don't have at this time. I'm hoping that a healthy, non-jaded layer begins to grow. Just to be confident in all that I do. I've had flashes of that, from time to time. I had it Albany during the last year or so that I was there. I'll regain it here as well. Lack of confidence has been my Achilles heel. This, may perhaps be the most important lesson I've learned from the boy. I figured that in order to achieve that confidence and swagger, I needed to stay angry. I knew it was wrong, but I was determined to hold on to it, because the alternative was for me to stew in self pity, which I've done before, and it sucks. I'm just sorry the girl had to deal with that, on my behalf.

    Friday was supposed to be my anger abatement day, but it started off poorly. My puppy, my dear Fritz decided that my glasses looked yummy. He ate my glasses. He put a good crack in them, so I wore contacts on Friday. On Saturday, I bent them back into place, so I could wear them. Saturday was "Video Game Night." Unfortunately, for my brother, I was still not in a golden mood, and I'll be honest, I'm a bit tired of being taken for granted. There was a moment, which I won't go into, in which I had to let my brother know about some displeasure I had. In a way, I'm glad that it happened. It gave me a chance to probably be a better friend to my brother, by calling him on something, that he knew wasn't a strength, and it allowed me to not fear losing him, by correcting him. These are the baby steps that I'm beginning to take, in regards to confrontations and honesty with my loved ones. I don't like confrontation, but that doesn't mean that I haven't gone toe to toe with people I disagree with. In fact, my biggest problem with confrontation exists with those that I like. I too often play nice and let them do what they do. Which just isn't responsible. I don't intend to do that with my children, for fear of offending them, so why would I spare my love with the adults in my life?

    So after some apologies on Saturday, Sunday was prime for healing, fellowship and enjoyment. My brother's birthday was yesterday, and I was able to steal him away on Sunday and go see Spider-Man. We brought another guy from church as well. This guy fits with us like a glove. He's an obsessive collector like myself, with a love of Star Wars, comic books and now, as an adult, music. He was a welcome addition to our party. Spider-man was really fun! I can't recommend it more. It had a little bit of something for everyone, and Spider-man has always been the coolest super hero to me. Living by the motto of "With great Power, comes great responsibility" he becomes the reluctant hero. He does what he should, not necessarily what he could. The movie has a number of amusing and heart warming moments. Go see it, particularly before we all get swept up into "Attack Of The Clones." Star Wars, Episode II looks to be pretty good. I'm very excited about it. Only 9 days remaining. Sweet! After the movie was over, we went to Applebee's and it was a great opportunity to get to know each other. He's married, like 98% of my church is. Which makes it somewhat difficult for a single guy to make strong friends, which in a way, is another reason why I'd like to be married. All of my friends are doing it, why shouldn't I? Every once in a while, I have the thought, that maybe I'm not called to be married, and I'm thinking, there is no way I'm putting up with the celibacy for too long.

    Sunday was a rousing success, which went miles toward building optimism. Monday opened with a visit to the vet to drop off the pets, so that they could be properly dealt with. They got their shots, they got their nails trimmed, and now I just need to get their county tags, so that they will be completely covered. We're just one big happy family!

    I also had my first softball game of the season on Monday. We had to forfeit our first game, because of lack of players, and then we lost our second game, but there is reason for hope, we didn't lose by a tremendous amount, and most of their runs were scored because of walks. Our assistant manager bit the bullet and pitched for us, which is a real sacrifice. It's a thankless job, but he did it willingly. I was happy because he put me as the first batter which is perfect for me. I went 2 for 3, with a run scored, so I hope they leave me there. I'm not an RBI guy, I do best when I set the table for the rest of team.

    Well that's it for tonight. This is probably the most explicit that I've been in describing my dating foibles, and I can see a definite down side to it, but I need to write about it, and this is my palette. Some tendencies die hard, like the apologist I've become. Fear of man, is something that I need to conquer in order to stand up for anything. In closing, what I've learned is that, I, like you, probably get stuck with an inaccurate view of who I am. So I'm determined to turn it on it's head, to see it from another perspective. Or maybe, I just need to strip it all away, and change the paradigms that have held me in sway.

    My Grandmother died yesterday. I have been fortunate that before yesterday, I had all 4 of my grandparents, which I believe is quite remarkable, given my age. My entire family will be heading to Ohio for the funeral. I don't see my grandparents very often, but as I realized yesterday, it still affected me all the same.  I was quite stoic initially, because I really haven't dealt with death very much at all. It wasn't until I started to talk about it that I realized the gravity of the situation. Normally, I only mourn those who haven't had a long life, but I discovered quickly that my logical mind didn't factor in the personal losses of my grandfather, my father, and my uncles and aunts. Once I realized that, I was undone. I still carry quite a bit of the invincibility of my teenage years, and circumstances such as these age you. I'm very happy that my entire family will be up there. I was concerned that I might be the only one who would make the trip, but I underestimated their feelings as much as I underestimated mine.

    Other places in my life are almost not worth mentioning today. So I'll adjourn for this evening and get you caught up on the other details later.

May 24, 2002

        They've finally diagnosed my condition! Here's the introduction from a book entitled "No More, Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover. I probably won't buy this book, but it's kind of encouraging to know that there are other people like me out there.

"Five decades of dramatic social change and monumental shifts in the traditional family have created a breed of men who have been conditioned to seek the approval of others. I call these men Nice Guys. Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it "right." They are happiest when they are making others happy. Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. In general, Nice Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about pleasing women and being different from other men. In a nutshell, Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled. Sound too good to be true? It is. Over the last several years, I have encountered countless frustrated and resentful Nice Guys in my practice as a psychotherapist. These passively pleasing men struggle in vain to experience the happiness they so desperately crave and believe they deserve. This frustration is due to the fact that Nice Guys have believed a myth. This myth is the essence of what I call the Nice Guy Syndrome. The Nice Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are "good," they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results—as it often does—Nice Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same. Due to the sense of helplessness and resentment this pattern inevitably produces, Nice Guys are often anything but nice. The concept of the Nice Guy Syndrome grew out of my own frustration of trying to do it "right," yet never getting back what I believed I deserved. I was the typical "sensitive new age guy"—and proud of it. I believed I was one of the nicest guys you would ever meet. Yet I wasn't happy. As I began exploring my own Nice Guy behaviors—caretaking, giving to get, fixing, keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, seeking approval, hiding mistakes—I started noticing numerous men with similar traits in my counseling practice. It dawned on me that the script guiding my own life was not an isolated incident, but the product of a social dynamic that affected countless adult males. Up until now, no one has taken the problem of the Nice Guy Syndrome seriously or offered an effective solution. This is why I wrote No More Mr. Nice Guy!"
 

    I figured that I would share this with you all, because so much of this description, I nodded in agreement. I fashioned myself myself the anti-guy, yet not a wuss. I often surprised myself with how not nice I could be at times, even though I sought to be better than the other guys. I kept listening to women's chief complaints about men, or life in general and sought to not be that guy. It took a while to realize that the complaints of people are seldom as accurate and direct as we would like to believe. I don't want to... I'm doing it again, I'm writing politically correct speeches via my diary, even though my diplomacy contradicts my true thoughts on the matter. For example, I was going to say that women tend to not complain about the exact issue that bothers them, instead they just vent. Men, tend to be more direct with their concerns. Now, whether or not those statements are true is irrelevant, the problem is that I changed my wording to PEOPLE, so as not to offend, or put myself in a position to be wrong. Man, is this stuff heavily ingrained in the way that I carry myself. Well, I refuse to be a victim of this, instead I'll just try to be as callous and as insensitive as I can. It will be tough, but I'm doing it for the ladies. They wouldn't respect me any other way. I'm going to tell you this is tough work, being a jerk. I have to constantly remind myself not to give in, even when it's trivial. I'm not successful very often, so I would appreciate your support whenever possible. You know, e-mail's saying "keep up the good work, jerk!" or "Be a man, not a hamster!". All of these would be helpful to get me in touch with my testosterone, which I don't think is in short supply, but that's just my remaining testosterone talking. Alright, it's time to pull the tongue out of my cheek and to move onto another subject.

    This past weekend, I traveled up to Ohio for my grandmother's funeral. All in all it was a great trip. Sad circumstances, but I had a good time. I had an opportunity to see all of my aunts and uncles, on both sides of the family. I also had a chance to see some cousins that I haven't seen for some time. Plus a number of Great Uncles and Aunts, plus a handful of distant cousins. It was a Catholic funeral, and this was my first mass. Or at least the first mass that I remember. Not to insult the Catholics, but there is a lot of ritual involved, most of which I don't understand. My father asked me before the funeral if I would read a passage as part of the ceremony. The job was made much easier for me, because I had gotten some practice speaking in front of classes back in November. This was even easier than that, because I was allowed to read it. All in all, it was a very positive time. I worry about my grandfather though. They were married for nearly sixty years, and that's a long time. He was in good spirits while we were all there, but I'm sure it will hit him later.

    My brother and I had a chance to hang out with the men of my mother's family who live in Kentucky. It was a good time. My Uncle was the prototype for me at this age. He married late (37) and was there a lot during our childhood. He always got us good gifts, and was there during our early years. So, I play the rich uncle now, and I'm enjoying it as well. He took me aside and gave me tips on finding that special someone. It was kind of funny, particularly because at this very moment, I'm just not worried about it. Perhaps, for the first time in my life, I'm not actively pining for someone, or searching for someone to validate me. I've just had enough of it. I must add that I'm not bitter, sometimes you just turn a corner on things.

    This weekend ought to be fun. I'm heading up to Indiana University in Pennsylvania. My church has a yearly get together during Memorial day, in which a number of sister churches get together and fellowship. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I'm actually a part of a church now. This is the first time that this has happened since I left home. Perhaps I'm trying to fill that God shaped hole in my life. All I know is that I think this is a positive thing for me, which has been difficult to speak about for some time. I was always kind of ashamed of God, or my belief in him. All over the papers you hear of the separation of Church and State, and a number of intellectuals refuse to believe in something that can't be proven empirically. I understand the argument, and I've always resented the condescension that I felt from those who thought that people who believed in God were weak, or stupid. Perhaps I am both, but I just can't believe that this world was an accident. It's too beautiful, and too complex for that. I also believe that there is really only one answer to it all. People can believe what they want to believe, but it won't make it so. Now, all I have to do is talk about politics and I'll really alienate everyone! Ok, here goes. I sometimes enjoy listening to Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity on AM radio, but I'm a bit disappointed in Rush, because he keeps picking on Bono over the debt relief in Africa.

    I saw Star Wars Episode II : Attack of the Clones on opening day. I made a crucial mistake when I went to see it. I went as a critic and not as a fan. There is a lot to like about Star Wars. Aside from the middle of the film which contains some of the corniest love story lines that I've ever heard, it was quite exciting. I was watching the film to make sure that George Lucas hadn't completely made it stupid or moronic. In the process of watching it I didn't appreciate all the cool things that happened during it. I mean, I didn't even cheer when Yoda got his Jedi on. I left somewhat disappointed. I'm going to go again, so that I can appreciate it more. There are still so many questions to be answered in the 3rd film, and I'm afraid that it might not save this current trilogy. I think the primary problem with this trilogy is that there is no hero. Annakin becomes Darth Vader. So are we supposed to cheer for him? He's arrogant, powerful and will eventually turn to the dark side. Although it's somewhat interesting, it doesn't make it the Epic that the original Star Wars trilogy was. The delineation between good and evil is mired and so all you are doing is rooting for survival, not victory. I'll still buy the DVD though!

    Well, I must be going, I have to leave early tomorrow and I have to buy dog food and cat food for when I'm gone, plus some toiletries etc. for the trip.